A month has passed since meeting with the anesthesiologist.. For a while, I was doing ok. Feeling better about things, genuinely feeling better about life... But something has happened lately. What that is, I don't know. But out of the blue I feel stuck again. Lack of sleep, lacking motivation to do everything, but having a packed schedule :/ It's overwhelming and exhausting. I feel a lot of pressure to keep up with my kids playdates, keeping them social with playgroups or strong start, and also, getting them out to be active for at least a little bit of the day cuz thats all I can seem to do lately.

I saw a photo on facebook that made me go "yes! exactly. This is EXACTLY how I feel!"

It's so hard to explain it.. But this sums up most of it. so if you see me at playgroup, and im sitting away from everyone, and not being as social as I usually am.. this is why. and I'm feeling it A LOT lately. To the point where I've just skipped out on playgroup as a whole because I feel like I just cant do it :/

So if I seem distant, quiet, etc. I am for a reason. I'll eventually be on my way back up. I just gotta get in my groove.

Meeting with the anesthesiologist.

Today I met with the anesthesiologist. This was what I was waiting MONTHS for, in hopes to get some clarity to what went on.

The questions I had to ask were the following (underneath is his answers)

Why was my midwife, husband, and baby removed from the OR before  I went under?
- They were not asked to leave,  at some point, your primary care, support, and baby all leave to go to the nursery. And I was not put under, I was heavily sedated until I was comfortable.

Why would no one answer me when I asked if I was ok/dying?
-I remember this actually, I responded letting you know you were ok
^ I honestly did not hear that response.

Was I even talking? or was it a side effect of the medicine, that I thought I was talking, but wasn't?
- Yes you were talking and I was basing your comfort levels off your responses and how you told me you felt. You were in a lot of pain, but each medication made a little difference. I kept asking if you wanted to be put under but you said you were ok.
^What confuses me about this, is if I didnt hear his response to me asking if I was ok, how was I responding these times?

He told me one of the medications causes nightmares (or I think in my situation feelings of anxiousness since I never went to sleep). He thinks that's what caused me to feel like I was alone/dying. I made it a point to let him know that past the room going white I didnt hear anything, so when he said I was ok, I didnt hear that. He reassured me he never left my side though, he was just behind my head getting the next round of medication ready.

He also said he didn't like putting moms under because it risked erasing the memory of baby being born (he said) and he didn't want to take that moment from me. Especially since I had the awesome experience of nursing Arya on the OR table <3

He told me the general time span length of a spinal is 1.5 hours which was approx when it started wearing off. He thinks that going on to do my tubes was what caused what I went through. They said usually the other meds they gave me typically get the mom through the rest of the surgery. So we arent sure what happened.

I know this all wasn't his fault, I'm not blaming him. He did a great job in this emergency situation. And today when we met he was very apologetic. I left feeling a bit better.. But still confused because my midwife was asked to leave... but at that point the headache started..

Talking about this experience stresses me out every time. I either wind up crying, having a BAD headache from fighting back tears, or I cry and still get a headache anyway.. It drains everything from me... I came home and slept from 230 right up to 5. and still felt exhausted upon waking up..

One day I really hope to get past this. I realize I'm alive, that I didn't die. But I get tired of hearing people tell me that. It doesn't take away that very vivid memory of feeling like I was losing it all. and all those thoughts that flooded through my mind at that exact moment. They felt real, they WERE real. How can I get past that? :/ I guess that's where counselling will come into play.

I think that just about covers it all.

Our Journey in life

Since my last update was well over a year ago, we will do one big update.
1. I found out we were expecting baby #4 in May 2015
2. Summer started school and is doing great! 2 more months til she has completed Kindergarten.. She's 6 now!!
3. Ben is in french immersion preschool and doing well, and can count to 8 in french, and 18 in english. His ears are doing well, but coated with a build up on one side which hinders his hearing.. He is 4 and a half now!
4. Brielle is TWO!!!! and a diva in the making. Legit.
5. Arya was born on my dads birthday January 25th :)
6. I am currently trying to get out of this mess of emotions pertaining to my birth.

now the story:
The first 2 months post-partum were a haze. I felt like time dragged on as I tried to be overjoyed as any mom with a newborn should, I found myself in a slump. I felt disconnected from my family, and from life. I felt like I was just a figure walking through life. Some points had no sound. Like I couldn't take in or process anything going on around me. Then one day it finally hit me, I needed help.

Lets rewind back. Past the actual event, to when I decided I had wanted a csection.. What made me decide this? My hubby had a vasectomy.. but for some reason, I still wanted my tubes removed for "just in case sake". He hadn't gone back for his sperm count, so I often wondered what if... What if we wound up pregnant.. He only wanted 3 kids, but here I was, pregnant with 4th (which he reacted fine to).. but imagine if a 5th were to come along? Each pregnancy also got harder and harder on my body. I liked the idea of knowing my kids were cared for, by someone I trusted. That I knew Adam would be there, unlike if I went into labour during the night... that my scar had no chance of rupturing. That I didnt go through labour to wind up with a csection anyway.
I also feared natural delivery because both cases (Summer and Ben) had serious repercussions, for me, and them. That stuff sticks with you. But then, guilt came along. I didn't trust my body to do what I knew it could do. If I did, I never would have experienced what I went through, and maybe today, I'd be enjoying life more than I was. I feel like I was getting punished for not trusting my body.. I missed out on my favourite part, the newborn stage, of our very last baby.. that's gone now.. and that adds to the struggle.

With all that being said, I decided to go for a csection and to have my tubes removed. Fast forward to the actual day. We got into the OR, and started to get prepped when my  OB was called upstairs for a potential delivery (he had to check in on his patient). During the time the OR staff and I were chatting away and same with the anesthesiologist about how he had a daughter named Aria, and asked if we were spelling it with an I or like Game of Thrones Arya. When I told him Game of Thrones, it
sparked a conversation about the series and books which relaxed me a lot. Once the doc came back in we got my spinal in place, got Adam into the room and they started the surgery. Baby Arya was born, she was perfect. But something wasn't going right with the procedure. It was taking longer than I remembered (but I knew it would take a bit since I was getting my tubes removed). As I was holding and attempting to nurse arya on the OR table (she was a champ by the way), my OB explained that I had scar tissue connecting to my bladder and he was removing it, but there was bleeding that he had to get under control too... at that point, I was starting to feel a dull ache... I started saying ow as it got more and more uncomfortable... My spinal had started wearing off... I was feeling the pain of them cauterizing areas of me. The anesthesiologist gave me some more medications which didn't work, then attempted to use gas which also wasnt doing much but making the room spin. I remember
hearing my midwife say "ok heather I'm taking the baby now" which was a good call because at that point I didn't even know she was on me I was so dizzy. I heard the anesthesiologist say he wanted to put me under so I didnt have to feel the pain. So they started that process and the room went white. I heard my midwife say "we are going upstairs now with the baby" (we being her and Adam).  I distinctly recall me saying "whats going on? Am I ok? Am I dying?"  (as the room was bright white). No one answered me. I kept repeating it and started crying... I felt like I was dying, dead already actually, as no one responded to me. I started to cry thinking about how I never got to say goodbye or I love you to my kids, Adam, my family, my friends... and now I was gone.. and Adam was left by himself, on the opposite end of the country from our family, to raise 4 kids. That I wouldnt get to see my kids grow up, they wouldn't have a mommy. All those thoughts ran through my head while asking
if I was ok, and then things went black.

I woke up to me being transferred to the bed to be rolled into recovery. There they did the ice cube test which I had feeling of as soon as it was placed on me. I heard the nurses talking in awe of how this happened. I wasn't the first person it happened to that day. Whether it was a bad batch of spinals, who knows. I don't think we will ever know.

As time passed on, I felt like I was doing ok, but around a week and a half post partum, I REALLY started to downward spiral. I felt like I couldn't and didn't want to bond with Arya, or my other kids. (those of you who know me, know this is a HUGE contrast from my usual self) I had non stop headaches, wanted to sleep all the time.. Didn't really CARE to get out of bed.. Was having flashbacks to that exact moment in the OR. Having anxiety attacks in the shower. I'll always remember the one time I finally chose to reach out.. Not even Adam knew what I was going through.. What was that one moment? The day I picked Summer up from school. She wanted a play date with her friend, but her friend already had plans. I said "I'll play with you Summer!" and she replied "You never wanna play with me anymore". It was so hard to swallow that lump in my throat and hold back tears. My daughter was starting to suffer too, thanks to me.. I wrote an email to the midwives that night, and was scheduled in within the next few days. I thought I was just maybe overwhelmed. Or exhausted from transitioning to life with 4 kids.

Once I met with the midwife, we tried to figure out a plan of action.
1. Meet with a counsellor to help sort out the trauma from my birth
2. Have a 24 hour bonding day with Arya where I did nothing but stay in bed
3. Schedule a meeting with the OB and anesthesiologist to see if I could get some of it off my chest and get some answers to questions I had.

I called up a counsellor and met with her a few days later. I felt like it really wasn't going to benefit me until I met with the anesthesiologist so I haven't been back since. But she did bring up some good points. The removal of my tubes, its so final. It closes that chapter of my life. I found out I was actually grieving the "loss" of that stage of my life. I'm 27. That's a young age to be going through a permanent procedure like a tube removal. Even though we KNEW we were done having kids, I felt it hitting hard. Likely because I loved being pregnant.. I love kids.. but now I'm done, and its me having to come to that realization that we are in fact done. And it's hard, it makes me really sad. I'm SO grateful that I have all my kiddos, they're awesome. But that door is closed now, and it's a hard thing to accept..

Moving forward, I still hadn't heard anything from the anesthesiologist by the time I had been discharged from midwife care. My doctor called me, and we had a few weekly appointments to make sure I was doing ok, then cut back to every 2 weeks to allow for potential meetings. He gave me the number of someone who was able to meet with me, hear out my experience, my questions, answer some questions, and forward everything to the anesthesiologist; as I had still not heard back from him. And at this point, we needed to start getting this recovery process started for me.

I met with her and she did all I mentioned above, then found me in the cafeteria at the hospital to tell me that he was now aware of everything, and he'd be willing to meet with me if it would help. We arranged a meeting, which I am currently waiting on. I am trying to take everything one day at a time. I think this meeting will help big time though. I know the meeting with the woman did.

I will update again when the meeting has taken place.

Big stresses regarding big changes.

Maybe I should start with a bit of catch up then post the most recent updates. This may be a long one, sorry in advance...
Summer started preschool in September and is doing great with it. She continues to undergo regular speech therapy as well. She's learning to come out of her shell more easily, but her communication is still far behind. Same with her vocabulary.
Ben.. Saw his ENT... His one tube is completely our, which we knew... it has more fluid behind the ear drum.... His right ear they took the tube out of cuz it was in the canal, and it has no fluid... so he may require another tube, but that being said, the fluid build up may be from him being sick also. he has a croup sounding cough :( but doc says his is viral too... Currently registering him to take over Summers spot at her preschool..
Side note: copy and pasting this from a mommy group made me laugh because I had the sad face originally then when I pasted it put in "frown emoticon" instead of :( LOL

Brielle..
Brielle, she turned 10 months 2 days ago. Got her two top teeth in. Shes almost 18lbs and shes roughly 28" smile emoticon :) Shes trying to stand, still not crawling, but mobile via butt like Summer was ahaha. She's got a pretty nasty virus frown emoticon :( boo!  I had to leave it this time to show what I meant by the above note LOL!

SSSSSSSSSSSOOO Now, take a breather, here we go

Summer starts school in September.. I've been going back and forth on what options I have for schools. I've heard the school across the street has bullies, and the teachers/faculty don't do much about it. This was my biggest fear for Summer. She is a HUGE sweetheart with a big heart and big emotions. She is easily hurt by someone saying the wrong thing, or in the wrong tone. So I was uneasy about this school...

So I looked into French Immersion... My fear there, she struggles with English, how will tacking another language that is foreign to her, make her feel? Would it overwhelm her? She's very easily aggravated when she comes home from preschool which is English, and 3 hours long.. so a whole day in a language she's unfamiliar with, I just didn't see going well.. BUT it wasn't completely off the table.

Another option - Montessori via a public school near her preschool so about a 7 minute car ride from our house. I attended the open house, looked around, and left thinking, this was for sure the school I wanted for her.. It was relaxing, lots of things to do, nice teachers, nice principal... and I've heard amazing things about this program..

So now it came time to weigh out my options...
Airport - pros: closest/walk to school, sleep in longer, less travel time, if I'm sick, I don't have to get in the car to drive, structured.
Cons: what I heard in the past, and it didn't "seem" to be the best fit for her..

Ecole Robb Road - pros: New language, possibly boost her confidence in another language, knows many friends attending there, would have another language under her belt
cons - furthest driving wise time I think/get up earlier, could be overwhelming, exhausting, and may be negative for her which I don't want, more gas

Queneesh (Montessori) - pros: Close to Bens preschool so he wouldn't be late, has a more relaxed pace, easy going, seemed like a very positive experience
cons: a little drive so if im sick, it could suck :P,  we have to get up earlier, more gas, further away should she need me for an emergency

I figured based on this stuff above, I was thinking Robb road, just to try out, and if it wasn't a good fit, to just put her into airport come grade 1... However, after speaking to her teacher, her speech pathologist and her audiologist.. All agreed NOT to do French immersion.. Not because of the language delay because that comes with time, but because she is so introverted, and shuts down easily, it will more than likely be overwhelming for her, unfortunately...

SO, then it was down to Montessori and Airport. Teacher said Montessori may not be the best option because eventually, we are getting posted, and Montessori isn't offered for free everywhere - true. Her speech therapist said its up to me, but both are good..

Right now, I'm about 90% sure she's going to airport.. I want to think it over again and see what happens, but I feel like she needs stability the most in whatever it is that we choose. So that's why I thought public school.. But I need to pick something, and be 100% sold and happy with my decision. Its so tough. The toughest decision I have had to make yet.. I have a few days left to decide. EEK!!!

Also, they are looking into a test to be done on her. Its called ABR. and its to look at whether the nerves are functioning or not. She passed this as a newborn but they are wondering if now, one of the nerves are not working. It would explain why she can make, but won't continue to use the sounds in every day living.. We will see what happens from here on and I will post when we know :D

Time for a little update

This summer has been busy busy!! We had my mom and grandma out to visit in may.. Then my dad came out in June and stayed until the beginning of July... At the end of July our friends Joel and Mary stopped in for a quick visit on their road trip.. And then my brother and Steph just wrapped up their visit with us a few days ago... We are also sneaking in a few visits with my friend Jenn these past few days, and again possibly tomorrow :) it's been so amazing, so busy, but so worth it!!

So what's coming up for us now?? Well, tomorrow is bens hearing test along with Brielle's 4 month vaccines..

Ben is potty trained, yay!!

Summer starts preschool in a little over two weeks. Crazy! Our little girl is growing up. She's so excited to go. And I'm excited for this new chapter in her life. I'm sure she will do amazingly. She will be followed by a child development therapist to see which areas she needs help with (right now it's mainly expressing her feelings instead of melting down).

We are going to start clearing out stuff since housing has yet to offer us a bigger house and right now we are feeling very claustrophobic in our own house which is terrible!!! :( so we sold our bed that was in the spare room, and soon, that room will become either our room, or Brielle's room, likely Brielle's since then, there will be less to move. We wanted to make it a playroom originally, but that's just not doable. Our biggest room (which Summer and Ben share), doesn't have enough room for Brielle's crib like I hoped it would... But we will make this work, I'm excited to see the outcome.


Til next time!! (Likely sept)

Another Big Update :)

It had been brought to my attention that my blog might need some updating.. And oh boy does it EVER, seeing as my last update was in NOVEMBER, I should probably do a huge catch up session..

My pregnancy:
The rest of the pregnancy went fairly well. Our daughter was breech for the longest time, then flipped to head down at 35 weeks then back to bum down at 37... I tried everything to flip her, from shining light lower on my belly, to putting heat low and cool compress on the top of my stomach, acupuncture, chiropractor, being on hands and knees. Nothing worked. So I had to go in for an ECV.. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this process, it's manually attempting to "flip the baby" by guiding the baby in the direction you want to go by essentially pushing it. Sounds easy right? NOPE!!   The OB managed to get baby girls butt out of my pelvic bone and got her turned almost sideways, but then her heart rate dropped. So we stopped.. At this point I was thanking everything above because this process was painful. I'd sooner go through labour than ever do this again.... But alas, they asked to try one more time.. No dice. Her heart rate dropped yet again.. They figured the cord was potentially wrapped around her neck as they saw it up near her face in the ultrasound.. At this point, csection was discussed.. With the cord being around her neck potentially, I didn't want to take any chances on giving birth naturally. I know it can be done, heck, I was a breech baby myself.. But I still couldn't risk her health period...

Before leaving for the hospital. 39 weeks

So I went home that night with the biggest lump in my throat. This was not how I planned for it to go. I was so upset but knew it was for the best.. Friday we cleaned the house as we were told to expect a call with a date and time, but that wit would likely be Monday April 7th or Tuesday the 8th... I got called and was told Monday at 430 was my day and time. So on Saturday we did our grocery shop luckily because when we got home we had a few missed called from my midwife saying I got bumped up to Sunday at 830am so I didn't have to go all day without eating. So panic set in.. I know it was only a day sooner, but I wasn't quite prepared yet. So I frantically ran around the house doing what I could, while barking order at poor Adam as to what he needs to do.. On top of it all, I was sick, Ben was sick.. Our house was still messy... So to bed I go at 11 or 1130. I didn't sleep that night, there was too much going on in my head, and I was hungry cuz I couldn't eat past 10.. And Ben and I were both coughing all night...

Sunday morning rolls around, we get up at 6, get the kids ready then head over to Becky and Jimmy's place.. We then head to the hospital from there and check in, did our NST and waited on the ob.. Time is passing, passing.. Passing... No OB. Apparently there was a miscommunication and unless there was another csection to be performed I would be going home and coming back the next day at my scheduled time.. They sent us home in the meantime until they decided..

So I still couldn't eat, while watching everyone eat lunch I was quite envious... As I sipped away at my water. By about 11 I was having contractions every 10 mins apart... Then down to 7 minutes between 1-2 and every 5 minutes from 2-3. I think she was trying to come one way or another lol. But my midwife thing lack of food and hydration was causing it because I went with no food for 19 hours total.... But back to the story haha. I was told to expect a call around one, but no such luck :( I called them and they still hadn't heard anything... At 220 I got a phone call saying to come in and the surgery would take place at 3.. Went in, waited, got changed, waited again, finally around 4 I went down to the OR with my midwife, got prepped and Adam was still upstairs when the surgery started. No nurses were available to bring him down, so my midwife went and got him and her key card failed to get back into the OR. But eventually someone let them in.. They started the surgery and Adam walked in.. A few minutes later our daughter was born. She had this sweet very quiet little cry. I was bawling when she was born. I said to Adam "oh my god, her cry is the absolute cutest ever, it's not even annoying!" Lol. Of all the things to say.. She was born at 4:44pm and was a spitting image of her sister...  <3 She was super alert right from the start, even as I went up post surgery. She was the most alert baby I've ever seen. It was so great to have her to chat to in the hospital because it got lonely seeing as Ben never wanted to stay longer than 20 minutes typically. I missed my kiddos so much :( She went unnamed for 3 days, but we finally decided on Brielle Scarlet for her name. She was born April 6/14 at 4:44pm.. Was 18.5 inches long and 6lbs 12oz <3 big brother and sister are very much loving their baby sister now... And now at 2 months old she's 23 inches long and 11lbs 8oz :)
And edit to add, recovering from a csection sucks big time when you're sick. Ugh!

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Summers update:
She's still doing well with her hearing aid, and has had 2 different ear moulds since my last check in. She got a blue one last time, and this time was red. And always sparkly. Of course. She's starting preschool in the fall. I have her enrolled for half days on Tuesday and Thursday so she can still see her friends at playgroup on Monday and Friday :) She's made a new friend at playgroup which is great because they will likely be in the same class come sept 2015.


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Bens update:
We saw the ENT specialist last week and found out that the tube in his right ear has fallen out. He said that's fine because it's been almost 9m since they were put in, but the bad news is there's fluid build up. We thing it might be caused by the cold he had at the time.. I'm hoping that's all it is. But we go back in July to be sure. Please keep Ben in your thoughts <3 other news, he's potty training. Using the potty every time while at home, the big potties while out and about have him running for the nearest rack to hide under and going pee there o.O sorry costco. Lol. We will get there one day, but I'm so proud it's finally working for him. One less kiddo to buy diapers for :P.






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Updates for Adam and Me:




I am recovering well. I thought I did pretty good recovery time wise. Didn't take near as long as I thought. We did a massive grocery shop about 10 days post partum. I seem to be doing well otherwise.. I recently chopped off 11.5" of my hair to donate. eek! I kinda miss it but don't :P







Adams doing well, fully abusing the power of parental leave and growing his hair/facial hair out... Don't ask me how I feel about this one ;) I wondered why I hadn't kissed him for so long then remembered when I went to kiss him hahaha. I am hoping this summer, with him being off, can be filled with fun memories of our family together. Hopefully filled with lots of beach, splash pad and other various trip memories :D looking forward to it.

Brielles' Birth Announcement

And to update with where she is.. Shes growing so much, but such a happy little baby. We love her to pieces <3

Another one of my favourite photos of Miss Brielle. My little Koala <3

Update time :)

Summer got her hearing aid back in September. It has made such a huge impact on her. They warned us it may do nothing at all, but in this case, its done everything we needed it to <3 She has become more outgoing, speaks to others, will run and scream with all the other kids, its great!!! Overall, less babbling, and more sentences which is super! She's in speech therapy once a week to help her out as well. She can recognize numbers and letters now, and loves to draw (our little artist :P)



Ben got tubes put in his ears back in October. It has helped him so much! No ear infections yet (knock on wood), sleeps at night (finally!) and is talking/babbling more now (a bit more outgoing than he usually was). He's our little trouble maker lol. LOVES to crawl up on everything and give everyone a heart attack in the process lol!!!.

Our family as a whole:

Is growing by one more :D I am due around April 8-12 (dates have varied per ultrasound and my cycle days). We found out we are expecting a little girl <3 No names yet, no :P  I am almost 20 weeks now WOAH! :D Life has been very busy with appointments, ultrasounds, speech therapy, hearing tests, bens tube procedure,sicknesses and trying to just have fun along the way :P I am very busy in upcoming weeks with photoshoots which I am very excited about. 

I was lucky enough to be asked to partake in a fundraiser at the MFRC to shoot christmas photos which got my name out there, and built up my portfolio :D The photos of the kids above were the ones I took of them, along with these cute ones.

And these were taken from home in my photo corner set up :)