Today I met with the anesthesiologist. This was what I was waiting MONTHS for, in hopes to get some clarity to what went on.
The questions I had to ask were the following (underneath is his answers)
Why was my midwife, husband, and baby removed from the OR before I went under?
- They were not asked to leave, at some point, your primary care, support, and baby all leave to go to the nursery. And I was not put under, I was heavily sedated until I was comfortable.
Why would no one answer me when I asked if I was ok/dying?
-I remember this actually, I responded letting you know you were ok
^ I honestly did not hear that response.
Was I even talking? or was it a side effect of the medicine, that I thought I was talking, but wasn't?
- Yes you were talking and I was basing your comfort levels off your responses and how you told me you felt. You were in a lot of pain, but each medication made a little difference. I kept asking if you wanted to be put under but you said you were ok.
^What confuses me about this, is if I didnt hear his response to me asking if I was ok, how was I responding these times?
He told me one of the medications causes nightmares (or I think in my situation feelings of anxiousness since I never went to sleep). He thinks that's what caused me to feel like I was alone/dying. I made it a point to let him know that past the room going white I didnt hear anything, so when he said I was ok, I didnt hear that. He reassured me he never left my side though, he was just behind my head getting the next round of medication ready.
He also said he didn't like putting moms under because it risked erasing the memory of baby being born (he said) and he didn't want to take that moment from me. Especially since I had the awesome experience of nursing Arya on the OR table <3
He told me the general time span length of a spinal is 1.5 hours which was approx when it started wearing off. He thinks that going on to do my tubes was what caused what I went through. They said usually the other meds they gave me typically get the mom through the rest of the surgery. So we arent sure what happened.
I know this all wasn't his fault, I'm not blaming him. He did a great job in this emergency situation. And today when we met he was very apologetic. I left feeling a bit better.. But still confused because my midwife was asked to leave... but at that point the headache started..
Talking about this experience stresses me out every time. I either wind up crying, having a BAD headache from fighting back tears, or I cry and still get a headache anyway.. It drains everything from me... I came home and slept from 230 right up to 5. and still felt exhausted upon waking up..
One day I really hope to get past this. I realize I'm alive, that I didn't die. But I get tired of hearing people tell me that. It doesn't take away that very vivid memory of feeling like I was losing it all. and all those thoughts that flooded through my mind at that exact moment. They felt real, they WERE real. How can I get past that? :/ I guess that's where counselling will come into play.
I think that just about covers it all.