Thursday, May 2, 2013

Here, and gone.. Just like that.

It's such a lovely thing in life to experience pregnancy. It's one of the best feelings in the world aside from being a mother to the child once it's born. I was lucky enough to have two beautiful children. Both conceived on first tries. With no issues other than severe nausea with Summer, and all day sickness with Ben which I later figured out was due to acid reflux. Other than that, loved being pregnant. Loved it. So when we decided to try for baby #3, it was a bit harder due to breastfeeding.. I didn't even have a "cycle" to go off of until 16 months post partum. But, we got pregnant in March.  I was estatic. Overjoyed. The "holy crap, I can't believe we actually got pregnant finally! Without stopping breastfeeding" moment was glorious. I told Adam and the kids that night... Sent it in cards to our families against my gut saying maybe I should wait a couple weeks.. And told a couple close friends..

Pregnancy went pretty typically. Multiple bathroom trips throughout the night.. Heartburn, nausea, food aversions, all that fun fun stuff.. The doctor confirmed it with a test, and scheduled an ultrasound for around the 10 week mark.. Fast forward a bit.. I never really got sick.. This concerned me a lot.. I. Got reassurance from many people that every pregnancy is different, cuz it's true. But one day (I was 9 weeks and 2 days along), I woke up from a nap and noticed some bleeding.. Not a lot, but bleeding plus pregnancy, made me uneasy although I've head it can be common. So we packed the kids up and headed to emerge...

The doctor told me the plans... Bloodwork, pelvic exam, and schedule an ultrasound for the next day (Saturday) even though I had one set for Tuesday. Bloodwork showed no concern, as I was a positive blood type, not negative, pelvic exam was normal.. But they released me without telling me or getting back my hcg results.. I wish they never did this, cuz we would've known then.....

The next day I had Adam stay home with the kids which I wish now that he didnt... They did the two ultrasounds and said I wouldn't need another and they'd cancel Tuesdays one.. And sent me to emerge for my results.. My heart sank when they did this.. I knew it was going to be good. I sat there, alone, shaking, crying.. Cuz I knew what this meant.. I was loosing our baby :(... Finally, after the longest hour of my life, the doctor calls my name, and pulls me to a random room and tells me the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks 5 days.. I just broke down.. I've never been so heartbroken. Ever. Take the worst heart ache you've ever had and imagine it 10x worse.. 

After getting home I just cried all weekend. Knowing there was nothing I could do but wait and pass the baby... On Monday, I went to visit my doctor at the clinic to see if it could be a possible mix up in dates, it could've very well been, then it was maybe a little too soon to see the heartbeat. He said it could be, but that he was inclined to believe the doc and ultrasound tech as they're professionals.. So he took my bloodwork to compare to Fridays test, and rebooked an ultrasound for Friday.  I called his office the following morning and it was confirmed.. My levels were dropping..  So we now know 110% which way this is going.. trying to explain feelings.. I just couldn't.. But then I got a message from I'm going to call her my mentor for the last few years... And it said.. hi Heather...
When a woman is carrying a baby from the very start it's a has birthdays coming, and school, and love and laughter and's a person waiting to come into your life. When that life is lost, it doesn't matter how big or "far along" it've lost the dream of what could be. In this one instance I can truly say I have a good idea of how you feel because I've been through it four times. I send all of my thoughts to you as you move through the next steps. Give yourself time, Heather. I'm glad someone could piece it together for me cuz that's exactly how I felt <3

Tomorrow, I find out if my body did all it needed to do, or if I need a d&c.. I'm pretty scared at this point. Nothing quite like miscarrying then potentially slap you in the face with a minor surgery. No thanks.

Adams aunt sent me this poem which is helping me heal...

The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn't bloom
Or even pause to wonder
if the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.

The little ones we longed for
Were swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of my heart says
"I Remember You"
Author unknown

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